There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We need to get me chipped asap
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
