Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
