You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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