If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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