I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Send help, water and tortillas.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
