I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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