Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
