Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
