some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
