Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
