I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize