He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
