ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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