Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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