saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
