I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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