How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize