Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
