After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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