Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
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