Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You made out with two different species that night
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
