How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize