My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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