This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When are your genitals available?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
