Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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