I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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