my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
