I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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