Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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