My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
