We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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