i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
