Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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