it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
