it was like eating out sand paper
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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