My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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