That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
