too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
