I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
