drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How's work?
Spinning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize