bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
