i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just high enough for therapy.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
