just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize