My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
