a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
