All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
