okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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