i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
