When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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