So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
