I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize