I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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