We're like a lot better than the average bears
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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