you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize