I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
