I faked an abortion last night.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
