I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
