my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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