you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
