Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A+ Viking dick
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
